buhos_ng_ulan

I'm moving..

2008-01-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

I'm moving my blog entries to multiply. I'm not deleting this one because it's easier than copying and pasting my previous and archived entries to the other one. I'll be posting some of my earlier entries on multiply though, so there..
Not that anybody actually cares.

Addiction

2007-10-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

God, you frustrate me
I don't know what I want from you
But I can never get enough
I wish...
I wish...
But then it doesn't matter to you now, does it?
Because you don't know me
You don't see me
You have no idea what I'm going through
Because I don’t matter
To you
I am no one…

Of Pain and An Invitation

2007-10-16T06:05:00.000+08:00

I can't breathe. I can't even see.
I just wish I could keep this up, without having to pretend that I don't care.
When I can't even see straight without you.
Does it matter that I can't speak when you leave me? I feel spared when you look at me.
I don't wish this to be the way I spend my life. Watching you walk away, over and over, killing me.
When you don't even see me.
The evils that I know I unleash when I don't feel you there, I cannot begin to describe.
I never wanted this. I never wished for this. You have created this in me. Without knowing it, you turned me into what I fear.
Helpless, hopeless, desperate.
Nothing anybody wishes to be.

Sa Mga Nakalimot

2007-09-05T16:32:00.000+08:00

Salamat..

Nalaman ko kung ano ako sa buhay niyo

Isang wala..

Isang alalaala na nilipad ng hangin ng kahapon

Na hinahamak ng inyong pagngiti at inyong kaligayahan

Salamat..

Dahil hindi ako nagtagal kasama niyo..

Sira Trip

2007-08-01T19:54:00.000+08:00

Kamusta naman sa sira trip..
Ano naman ang sirain ang sariling kaligayahan..
hahahaha..
Para kong tanga..
Malisyosa pa naman ako..
Sana..
Mali ako..
At sana ako nga talaga..

losing myself

2007-05-16T05:03:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like shaking you and just asking you to say it.
That you feel nothing for me. That you never have and never will. Just so I could stop wondering that you do or whether or not they're right about you.
And at least I would be able to stop thinking and just start letting go.
I had forgotten what it feels like to be in the background. To be invisible. To be forgotten. And it was because of you. You made me feel like I was needed, remembered.
And loved.
But now that this is happening to us, I'm starting to remember what it's like.
I'm beginning to...
disappear...
again...

Crossing the line...

2007-05-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

That was not the way I imagined I would tell him how I feel. I never even imagined that I would ever tell him. I just didn't want him to walk away hating me because I wouldn't tell him why the hell I was being the way I was. I couldn't bear that. At least, now, if he hates me for what I said, I would understand. I would rather know why, than to just hold it all inside and try not to act like that anymore.
Everything's going to change now. I know it is. Things will never be the same. I wonder if this is more painful than just having the feeling without having to do anything aside from denying it.

Di masaya..

2007-05-01T14:19:00.000+08:00

Bawal mahulog.. Kasi walang sasalo.. Masakit.. Ayoko ng masaktan..
Kailangan ko nanaman bang umiyak at malunkot dahil hindi ko kayang magdesisyon para sa sarili ko? Ang hirap.. Masyadong mahirap..
Ayoko na. Ayoko na ng ganito.

How old, How young

2007-03-13T01:17:00.000+08:00

How come there are times when you feel like you're too old to do something but too young to do something else?
Too old for baby talk, too young for unemployment, too old to still be in school, too young to be paying debts...
There are so many things.
And is it so bad to like someone that's practically half your age?
Maybe.. But then again it's not like I'm in love..

After the Tears

2006-10-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

Bakit ganito? Kung kelan tapos na ang lahat, at nakaiyak na ko at nakita ko na silang ngumiti, ngayon ako magsasalita?
Kasi ngayon, kaya ko na. Kasi alam ko, nangyayari talaga ang ganung bagay.
Hindi ko kasi naiintindihan yun dati. Feeling ko kasi hindi totoo...
Pero naisip ko, kung kaya nila, bakit hindi ko din subukan? Bakit hindi ko din tingnan kung kaya ko rin... Mas apektado sila, pero sila, nakakatawa, nakakangiti. Pati birthday ko, andun sila.
Kaya ko 'to. Kaya kong lampasan ang mga luhang pumatak.
Tulad nila.
Pagkatapos ng sakit, magiging maayos din.
Salamat sa lahat mga kaibigan. Sa limang taon ng saya, pagod, luha.
Bilib ako sa inyo.

It's My Party...

2006-10-11T13:23:00.000+08:00

... and I'll cry if I want to. Oo, umiyak ako ng birthday ko. I'm sorry, pero ganun lang talaga. Hindi ko man napigilan, at least naramdaman ko na.
Alam ko naman kasi na hindi talaga yun ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko naman talaga siya mahal.
Pero masakit parin na ganun ang nararamdaman niya. Or rather hindi niya nararamdaman.
Hay... Talk about crashing and burning and all that crap about failing at something you want to go for.

I Think I Need an Ambulance

2006-09-28T05:30:00.000+08:00

The first time I try something like this I straight up crash and burned.
How do you get up from that? Never mind that, how do you face the person ever again? How do you take back the embarassing words and try to forget that you ever said them?
Damn it.
I think I'm angrier at myself than I am at him.
This is what I get for wearing my heart out on my sleeve. Again.

Twenty-three

2006-09-07T22:10:00.000+08:00

Birthday mo nanaman... Pero hindi parin kita mabati.
Hanggang ngayon hindi parin kita nakakausap ng harap-harapan. Hindi mo parin ang alam ang pangalan ko... ang mukha ko..
Pero at least...
Nangitian mo na ko...
Pwede na yun..
Sana next year, hindi lang yun ang magkatotoo.
Happy twenty-third birthday, Henry.
Next month, ako naman.

Her Contemplation of Being Gone

2006-08-23T11:53:00.000+08:00

She wished she could end it. She wished she could end it right now.
She always wondered what it would be like, if she was gone. Would they be sad? Would they want her to come back? The ones that call themselves her "friends" always said the same thing.
"Of course they would," they said. "They're your family."
They all said it. Every single one of "her friends".
But what about them? Would they grieve her loss? Would they wish they could have done something? Would they even ask why?
Would any of them? "Family"? "Friends"? Would they?
How long would it take them to forget her? To forget that she ever existed. For the memory of her face, her smile, to fade away. For the sound of her voice to disappear. The style of her clothes, the smell of her hands, the color of her eyes... How long before they forget those? How long would it be before they don't even remember her name?
She laughed suddenly, realizing that they barely remember it now that she was here.
She looked up at her ceiling. She looked at her walls. She opened her closet and peered inside. How long would they wait before they decide that they can give away her room? How soon after she was gone would they take down her posters, donate her clothes to Goodwill, repaint her walls, give her stuffed animals away to baby cousins, stick her pictures in a shoebox and hide them away in storage?
Soon, probably, she mused.
It would be so easy, to end it all. All it took was the right equipment and the guts to actually do it. Feeling the way she did right then, she knew she had all of that.
Then she realized how much work it would really take.
There was the timing; to make sure that no one was around to stop her. The note; explaining why. The back-up plan; just in case.
She decided, no. Forget it. It was too much of a bother.
She'd rather die than kill herself, after all.

Pagmumumuni-muni

2006-06-28T11:07:00.000+08:00

Bakit mahirap maintindihan ang nararamdaman mo?
Bakit ang hirap malaman kung mahal mo ang isang tao?
Bakit kung kailan hindi pwede, dun mo pa nakikita?
Bakit kung kanino hindi dapat umubig, siya pa?
Bakit kailangang pigilan ang nadarama?
Bakit kailangang mag-isip at magmuni-muni mag-isa?
Bakit ba dapat nagkakaroon ng oras para mapag-isa?
Bakit sa oras na yun pakiramdama mo mababaliw ka na?
Ubos na ang yosi.
Malamig na ang kape.
Tama na.
Pero wala ka paring sagot.

354737

2006-06-14T21:13:00.000+08:00

So kamusta naman sa babaeng nababaliw na dahil hindi na maintindihan ang mga nararamdaman?
Bakit nga ba ko nagbibilang ng araw? Ano naman ngayon kung hindi kita nakita ng halos isang linggo? Wala akong pakialam kung anong ginagawa mo o kung kumain ka na ba o kung anong nangyari sa araw mo.........................
Hay....... Ang buhay talaga, parang life.... Hindi mo na nga gustong isipin, pumapasok parin sa isip mo.
Ganun ba talaga pag mahal mo ang isang tao?
Kasi........ parang nakakapagod. Parang nakakainis... Naalala ko tuloy yung isang quote na sinend sakin sa text:
"Bakit pag nagmamahal required na masaktan? Qualification ang maging tanga't gago.. Pero pag nagmahal ka, bigay todo! Tapos malalaman mo sa huli na hindi parin pala ikaw ang na-hire niyang mahalin...."
Totoo ba yun? Akala ko kasi, nagmahal na ko dati. Pero bakit parang hindi ko pa masyado naramdaman yung sakit. O naramdamang nagmukha akong tanga.
Ngayon pa lang.
Pinaka mahirap, bakit sa'yo pa?

Halatang Sawi

2006-06-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

How do you tell someone you love them? That you don't think you can last one day without seeing their face? That even just the thought of them makes you smile? Or even just knowing that you're going to see them is enought to get you through anything? That they are the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning and the last thing before you go to sleep? How?

For the first time since I realized how I felt about you, I let myself imagine what it would be like if you felt the same way... What it would be like if we were together.. I imagined us in lying on the grass and looking at the stars... Watching a dvd with our friends, with them howling in the background because we wouldn't stop holding hands... Sitting next to each other, just talking, your arm around my shoulders... All these thoughts in my head... Then I felt the tears fall... And I hear myself say, "Why think about things that will NEVER EVER happen?"

Pag wala ka, kulang... Sobra. Kulang ang araw, walang saysay. Ngayon ko lang talagang naramdaman. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman na takot akong mawala ka sa buhay ko. Kahit sandali...

My True Color... according to Tickle

2006-04-12T15:32:00.000+08:00

Your true color is Brown!

What's Your True Color?
Brought to you by Tickle

It SO doesn't seem like me...
Maybe I clicked the wrong answers.. Hohum..

About You

2006-04-03T18:17:00.000+08:00

Hey
I tried to call you this morning
Just started diallin'
But then I had to stop
'Coz I remembered
You weren't home
Too bad
'Coz I really wanna talk to you today

Got up from bed thinkin' about you
Wanting to call you
Just to hear your voice
But everytime I tried to phone you
You weren't there
So I have no choice, but

To sit around and try to imagine
What it feels like
To talk to you, be with you
Everyday
I try to reach you and
Tell you how I feel
But you seem so far away
So far away

So
I tried to distract myself
I turned on the TV
But I couldn't sit still
So I decided
To go somewhere
Where I
Wouldn't really have to think about you

But everywhere I go I see you
I feel you
I still hear your voice
The more that I try to forget you
The more you're there
I still have no choice, but

To sit around and try to imagine
What it feels like
To talk to you, be with you
Everyday
I try to reach you and
Tell you how I feel
But you seem so far away
So far away

But everywhere I go I see you
I feel you
I still hear your voice
The more that I try to forget you
The more you're there...

I sit around and try to imagine
What it feels like
To talk to you, be with you
Everyday
I try to reach you and
Tell you how I feel
But you seem so far away
So far away

Ang mga Sana ng Buhay Ko

2006-02-01T13:54:00.000+08:00

Sana hindi ganito. Sana hindi ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Sana, tuwing nakikita kita, hindi bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Sana hindi lumalamig ang mga palad ko. Sana hindi ako nauutal kung hindi naman ay dumadaldal. Sana hindi parang gulaman ang mga tuhod ko na kinakailangan kong umupo. Sana hindi puro kagagahan ang lumalabas sa bibig ko o kaya ay puro tawa na lang. Sana hindi ako nagkakaganito 'pag nariyan ka na sa harap ko.
Mahal na kita. Kahit alam kong malabo kasi 'di naman tayo gaanong magkakilala. Kahit alam kong hindi dapat dahil may iba kang mahal at may ibang nagmamahal sayo. Kahit alam kong hindi dapt dahil magkaibigan tayo kahit paano. Kahit alam kong hindi mo maiintindihan.
Siguro nga tama sila. Na hindi pa kita mahal. Malamang totoo 'yun. Malamang, naaaliw lang ako sayo. Malamang hindi pagmamahal ang nararamdaman ko. Malamang natutuwa lang ako.
Pero may nararamdaman ako. Lalo na pag kaharap na kita. 'Pag nangungulit ka na. 'Pag nagpapatawa ka na. Parang lungkot na may halong saya, galit, takot, at kung anu-ano pa.
Mabait ka kasi. Maloko. Di naman maiwasang maaliw sayo. Nakakatuwa, nakakatawa. Malambing ka rin at palakaibigan.
Sana hindi ako nasasaktan pag nasasaktan ka. Naiiyak pag malungkot ka. Napapahalakhak pag masaya ka. Nagngingitngit pag napipikon ka. Sana hindi ako mapapangiti pag nariyan ka.
Sana lang talaga.
Sana.
Wish ko lang.

The Grudges of a Disgruntled Daughter

2005-12-03T19:26:00.000+08:00

I wish she would just stop saying things. Why can't she ever just let us rant our guts out and speak and swear when we're angry? Is anybody going to die everytime we cuss? Is anybody going to get injured? No.
You might say that yes, someone does get hurt when we do that, but that's all emotional pain. No one should really care. Everybody's feelings get hurt everyday anyway. Why should we be any different?
I just wish that she would stop saying anything. She's starting to sound 1>self-righteous and 2>overly dramatic. It is not a good thing.
It's like she's never been able to get a good grasp of who we are. Of what we're like. Of our little idiosyncrasies, pet peeves, and quirks. To think that we have been living in the same house since we were born.
To think that we were raised by this woman.
And yet, she knows us not.

Ayoko...

2005-11-28T20:38:00.000+08:00

Ayokong matuwa. Ayoko kasi baka masaktan lang ako.
Bakit kasi kung kailan malapit mo ng makalimutan ang isang tao, saka siya bumabalik?
Hindi fair, eh. Kasi wala kang dipensa. Mahina ka pa. Tapos magugulat ka dahil biglang, BOOM! andiyan na siya sa harap mo.
Nakangiti.
Nagso-sorry.
Para tuloy gusto mo siyang yugyugin at sigawan.
"Anong karapatan mong mag-sorry? Anong karapatan mong humingi ng tawad sa lahat ng ginawa mo sa'kin?"
Pero wala.
Ang kaya mo lang gawin ay pilit na ngumiti, tumango at tumawa sa mga sinasabi niya. Bakit? Tanga ka ba? O talagang nagpapaka-tanga ka lang?
Malamang, nagpapaka-tanga lang ako. Alam ko yun. Lalo nung na-realize ko na mahal ko pa rin talaga siya.
Sakit sa ulo talaga.
Buti na lang maganda yung Harry Potter 4. Hehehe...

Maligayang Bati..

2005-10-06T02:38:00.000+08:00

Today's my birthday. I'm having lunch later with my four best friends and a few of my favorite people. It's not like a party or anything, but I wish it were. It would be so great to have grown up party and not have to worry about how much it would cost us. But it's not happening. I've learned to live with that.
I've also learned to live with the fact that the one person that I most wanted to be at that lunch isn't going. He's too busy, and I can understand that. He needs to work. And I can't force him to be there. I don't have that right.
Maybe because it's my birthday or maybe because he won't be there, but I don't feel so good about today anymore. I was all high and peppy a few hours ago, when it wasn't my birthday yet, but now...
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just bipolar and I'm exhibiting signs of depression. Or maybe it's just because I have an exam on a major subject today. Or maybe it's because my new mp3 player isn't working and I kind of have to take it back.
Or maybe I'm just nuts.
Who knows? Maybe I'm going to die later. Get hit by a car while I'm crossing the street.
It could happen.
Happy birthday to me...

Kung gaano kasakit

2005-09-30T05:02:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a week since they lost. Pero hanggang ngayon nararamdaman ko pa rin. Okay lang ako, pero tuwing naiisip ko sila, parang nasasaktan ulit ako.
Nung una naisip ko, bakit pakiramdam ko wala akong karapatang umiyak? Dahil alam ko, hindi naman talaga ako kasama dun. I wasn't really a part of their team, their school.
Pero ayun, andun ako at umiiyak para sa isang bagay na hindi naman talaga ako parte.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko, sayang lang ang luha ko. Malalaman ba nila kung umiyak man ako para sa kanila? Hindi ko rin naman sasabihin so what's the point?
Pero bawat patak ng luha nagsabi sakin, "Karamay ka nila dahil kaibigan mo sila. Hindi ka man bahagi ng mundo nila, bahagi ka ng buhay nila.."
And I realized it was true. Maybe not the way that I would like to be, but a part just the same. Hindi naman kailangan ng kapalit. Sapat na yung alam kong kaya kong dumamay sa kanila.

Para kay Henry..

2005-09-07T19:13:00.000+08:00

Para sa kaarawan mo. Para sa mga oras na napasaya mo ako kahit hindi mo alam. Para sa mga panahong kahit nasasaktan ako ng taong minamahal ko, nakakangiti pa rin ako. Dahil sayo.
Kahit hindi mo ako kilala. Kahit hindi mo alam kung anong pangalan ko. Kahit hindi mo alam ang mukha ko. Kahit na hindi mo pa ako nginingitian sa buong buhay ko.
Para sayo 'tong araw na 'to. Happy birthday, Henry.

Hoy.

2005-08-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

Akala ko noon, di mo ko iiwan. Wala ka naman sinabi pero akala ko kasi, by the way that you treated me, matagal tayong magiging magkaibigan. Pero ngayon...
Ni hindi mo na ko tinitingnan. Parang pag nakikita mo ko, parang wala ako sa harapan mo. Makita mo man ako, parang hindi mo ko kilala. Parang nakalimutan mo na yung mga panahon na magkasama tayo kumain, yung birthday ko, yung nag-inuman tayo, kahit na hindi ka naman talaga umiinom.
Minsan pinipilit kong intindihin na wala ka lang sa mood kasi nasigawan ka. Na hindi maganda yung araw mo. Minsan lang talaga wala akong magagawa kasi hindi ko naman kayang i-control yung mood mo.
Pinipilit ko lang din intindihin na ayaw mo na kong kausapin kasi baka may magalit. Kasi baka magalit siya.
Kaya lang parang hindi ko pa rin ma-justify yung bagong attitude mo sa'kin.
Minsan gusto ko na lang itanong kung may nagawa ba kong masama. Para lang malaman ko kung ano ba talagang kasalanan ko at nagbago ka. Sana kung may kasalanan ako, wag mo na lang silang idamay. Sa'kin ka na lang magalit. Kasi kahit masakit alam kong ganun talaga. I can't stop you from disliking me. Minsan ganun talaga.
Gusto ko mang magalit sayo hindi ko magawa. Nakakainis na kahit ganiyan ka na, pag nakikita kita ganun pa rin ang nararamdaman ko para sayo. Na walang nagbago.
Nakakapagod.
Pero ang pinaka nakakainis sa lahat, ay hindi mo kahit kailan malalaman lahat ng sinabi ko ngayon. At alam kong kahit malaman mo, hindi pa rin babalik sa dati ang lahat.
So di bale na lang.

Maling Akala

2005-08-06T17:07:00.000+08:00

Akala mo, ok na. Hindi pa pala.
Akala mo, tama ka. Mali ka pala.
Akala mo, tapos na. Hindi pala yun ang katapusan.
Akala mo, may halaga ka. Wala pala.
Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Tulad ko.

Nagwawala, nawawala

2005-07-30T23:39:00.000+08:00

Bakit ba minsan talaga, gusto mo na lang magwala?
Yung parang feeling mo gusto mong maglupasay at mag-iiyak dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman mo. Yung bang feeling mo di mo na talaga kaya at kung hindi mo nailabas, mamamatay ka na. Kasi feeling parang lahat na ng problema sa mundo bumagsak sayo. Sakit sa ulo.
Bakit minsan kung ano yung hinahanap mo yun yung nawawala?
Kung anong kailangan mo sa buhay, yun yung hindi mo makita. Kahit gaano katagal kang maghintay, hindi dumadating. Pag naghahanap ka ng pamunas ng uhog kasi wala kang panyo, wala kang makita. Pag naghihintay ka ng dyip na Pantranco, puro Philcoa at SM North ang dumadaan. Pag hinahanap mo yung crush mo, may klase at hindi mo alam kung anong room. Sakit sa ulo.
Pero ganun talaga, eh. Wala akong magagawa.
Sakit talaga sa ulo.

Automatic

2005-07-27T01:32:00.000+08:00

Bakit ganun? May mga araw na kahit anong gawin mo, you feel completeley shitty? Sobrang nakakawindang ang araw kahit na wala ka pang ginagawa.
Narealize ko kanina na napaka-automatic na pala ng buhay ko. Paggising sa umaga, bangon, palit ng cd sa player, timpla ng kape, kain ng almusal, kuha ng damit, ligo, bihis, alis.
Pati yung pagbiyahe ko automatic na. Lakad, sakay ng tryk, tawid, sakay ng dyip, sakay ng dyip, sakay ng mrt, sakay ng dyip.. Parang habang nangyayari lahat yun, tulog parin ang diwa ko. Tsaka lang ako nagigising pag nasa loob na ko ng klasrum ko. Kasi alangan namang titigan ko lang yung mga kaklase ko diba..
I was thinking that I felt so unconscious. Not unconscious like I'm not awake but unconscious that I don't know what's happening around me. Parang nasa loob ako ng bula at hindi ko naririnig ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. Lahat ng nakikita ko, distorted at malabo.
May mga araw na ayaw ko ng gumalaw. Na kung pwede lang, buong araw na lang ako nakatihaya sa kama at nakatingin sa kisame.
Kaya lang hindi pwede kasi lagot ako sa nanay ko.
Minsan naman ayokong tumigil sa paggalaw, kasi ayokong mapaupo at mapag-isip ng kung anu-anong masakit sa loob.
Ang labo.
Pero ganun talaga..
Sana iba na lang ang buhay ko.
Automatic mode na. Toothbrush, hilamos, tulog. OFF.

my beyBi

2005-07-23T11:04:00.000+08:00

Bi, you're the only one who makes me happy.
Bi, you're the only one who doesn't judge me.
Bi, you're the only one who doesn't tell me what to do.
Bi, you're the only one who makes me feel good about myself.
Bi, you are the one that makes my life complete.

I Do

Sororul nukkyogamyonso

Jogumshig soro aragamyonso

Onjenganun uri, ochomyon duri, I do

Chingudul apheso

Uriga chingusail nomoso

Duri yongwonhi hamke hagiro hedamyo, I do

And I, I wanna know

Naman irohge nukkingonyago

Anim ni maumdo ne maumchorom

Yongwonhi hamke hal kumul kununji

I do, I do

Yongwonhi hamkehagedanun gu mal, I do

Nowa issul temada

Joshimsurobge maumsoguro

I do, I do wanna spend my life with you

Kumul kumyo, I do

Sojunghan gu mengserul halte

Ni gyothe nega naui gyothe niga igirul

Sonul jabgo gorogamyonso

Soroege bal machwobomyonso

Yongwonhi hamke gal su inunji nukkyobwa

And I, I need to know

Naman irohge nukkingonyago

Anim nodo ne maumchorom

Yongwonhi hamkehal kumul kununji

I do, I do

Yongwonhi hamkehagedanun gu mal, I do

Nowa issul temada

Joshimsurobge maumsoguro

I do, I do wanna spend my life with you

Kumul kumyo, I do

Sojunghan gu mengserul halte

Ni gyothe nega naui gyothe niga igirul

Ije shijaghan uri sarang

Ajigun modunge irujiman

Guredo nado moruge jakku kunun kum

I do I do I do

Guredo nado moruge jakku kunun kum

I do I do I do

WOW

2005-07-16T02:23:00.000+08:00

At dahil UAAP, madadalas ang pagpost ko tungkol sa basketball.. wOOt! Sorry kayo.. Joke lang..
Ayos... doble saya ko... panalo na nga ang UP, which means 2-0 na ang school ko sa standings, tapos La Salle pa ang tinalo. More importantly, 4 points lang si Yeo... hahahaha... sorry galit ako sa kaniya.
Bukas manonood ako ulit ng UAAP. Ateneo na naman. Like I said, I'm a Blue Eagle at heart. Mahal ko ang Blue Eagles. Sorry pero totoo. Nakakalunkot lang isipin na minsan yung mahal mo hindi ka mahal.
Nye. Ano yun? Parang ang labo.
Di bale ng hindi niyo maintindihan. Gusto ko lang sabihin.
Nakakapagod na. Ayoko na kasi. Sayang ang effort ko. Parang ang olats kasi na kahit anong gawin mo, mangyayari't mangyayari pa rin na hindi ka na niya papansinin. Ho hum. Kala ko pa naman mabait ka. Siguro nga mabait ka. Hindi nga lang sa'kin.
So for that tapos na. Step off na ko. Kasi sayang na yung pera ko eh. Hintayin ko na lang yung panahon na maiisip mong meron palang isang ako na nakakaalala sayo. Diba? Tama na yun. Kahit hindi dumating ayos lang. Libre namang mangarap.
Ang labo talaga. Basta... natalo ang La Salle.

2005-07-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

So I watched the ateneo-la salle opening game yesterday right. I was there, in blue and white. Blue blouse, white hanky, blue jeans, white sneakers, blue bag. So my sister and I arrive at araneta, via the walkway, down the steps which drops at the red gate. There was this guy giving away blue and green banners, yung mentos na parang trapal. And this guy has the audacity to ask me, "Ma'am, ateneo o la salle?" Leche, muntik ko ng sapakin. Musta naman, parang, manong bulag ka ba? Anyway, I just answer "Ateneo po." And the monumental dunderhead hands me a GREEN BANNER...
Anak naman ng tipaklong manong, grabe. Color blind ka, magpatingin ka na..^^Anyway, my sister and I get the right banner, and go inside to take our seats. Medyo 2pm pa lang nun, so medyo adamson at NU pa lang. Parang ang tagal pa nga nung game nila... ewan, pag ganun talaga parang forever...^^
Never mind the rest, anyone who reads the paper and listens to the radio and watches tv knows what happened. Ang sakit. Para kong sinalpakan ng lahat ng sama ng loobsa mundo. Hindi ko halos kayanin.. alam ko hindi ako atenista, pero sensha na Blue Eagle at heart ako..
Nakakalungkot, pero sige parin. Kahit na minsan parang ang hirap ng umaasa na may mangyayari pa. Siyempre alam ko babawi din naman sila, 1st game pa lang naman at 1st round pa lang..
ONE BIG FIGHT pa rin.
Go Ateneo, fight, Blue Eagle the King.^^

Kagagahan na naman...

2005-07-02T15:08:00.000+08:00

"Ano ba kasing akala mo sa sarili mo? Maganda? Kala mo pinagkakaguluhan ka ng mga lalaki? Tangina-shet, siraulo ka ba? Bulag ka ba?
Akala mo lang maganda ka. Akala mo lang mabait ka. Pero sa totoo lang, wala kang kwenta. Sa totoo lang, mamatay ka ng hindi ka nagkakaboyfriend, asawa, anak, at mag-isa at matanda kang lilisan sa mundong ito."
Pag nakikita ko ang sarili ko sa salamin, yan lang ang nasasabi ko. Kahit na dapat nag-aayos ako ng sarili para pumasok, kahit na dapat mukhang disente dahil haharap sa ibang tao. Tangina-shet.
Hindi ko naman piniling maging ganito eh. Ang kaso lang, pwede ko namang piliing wag maging ganito. Eh di magbago. Problema ba yun.
Arasso. Naiintidihan ko naman eh. Hindi naman ako tanga, kahit minsan parang oo.
Nagsasawa na 'kong ipilit ang sarili ko sa mga tao at lugar na hindi naman ako gusto. Sawa na 'kong masaktan. Sawa na 'kong mamrublema tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ako belong.
Sabi ng iba, be yourself. Teka nga muna. How can I be myself when I don't even know who I am? Ni hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba talaga ang ugali ko. Kung matino ba kong tao o tarantado. Kung may kwenta ba ko o wala.
Kaya minsan hindi ko alam kung may pakialam sakin ang mundo o niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko.
Sabi daw ni Eleanor Roosevelt, "Do one thing everyday that scares you." Araw-araw lumalabas ako sa mundo para humarap sa mga taong pakiramdam ko nagtitiis lang sa'kin. Hindi pa ba nakakatakot yun?
Tangina-shet. Musta naman! Hindi na matapos ang kagagahan ko...

P-U-T-A-N-G-I-N-A....

2005-06-08T12:47:00.000+08:00

Ganyan ang spelling niyan... pero pag sinabi mo: poooootannggeeeennnaaaaahhhh!!! siyempre ganiyang lang ang labas niyan kapag sobrang bad trip ka...
Parang nitong nakaraang tatlong araw... este, isang linggo pala.. puro ganiyan na yung lumabas sa bibig ko kasi siyempre number 1: hindi matatapos-tapos yung enrollment ko. photah leche bwakanang shet naman! nagsimula na ang klase kahapon, hanggang ngayon 6 units parin lang ako, e dapat 15!
number 2: napapagod na ko kakalakad dahil sa pakshet na enrollment na yan. Naririndi na rin ako sa nanay kong parang minu-minuto na lang eh tinatanong kung anong nangyayari.. nagagalit siya dahil pababalik-balik ako sa school... tangna, siyempre wala akong magagawa ganun talaga..
number 3: nakamputa, nananahimik na ko, bigla ba naman akong guguluhin ni crush!!! leche yun.. pinagtripan ko lang naman siya nung biyernes kasi sheng-alak na naman ako nun.. sukat ba namang pitikan ko ng upos ng sigarilyo! hahahahaha!!! napa-ilag tuloy siya.. tapos mega-dissed siya sakin.. hehehe.. pero ngayon bigla ba naman akong itext ng kagaguhan! tingnan mo naman ang pagitan ng pagreact niya: saturday ng mga 3am kami huling nagkita. monday ng 2am ako tinext ng kung anu-anong katarantaduhan.. bigla ba naman akong awayin! leche, kung gusto niya suntukan na lang.. RAR!!!
Bwiset. Napapagod akong isipin siya. Dadagdag pa siya sa pagod ko sa putangnang enrollment na yun. Sana kasi hindi ko na lang siya nakilala, nakakabwiset lang.
Ang nakakainis pa, tapos na yung issue na yun. Hindi ko na nga siya hinahanap pa.. hindi na ko naglalakad sa gabi. (although partly kasi umuulan at pagod na rin ako galing school. hehe..) Sabi ko sa sarili ko, wala na tapos na ang nangyari kay crush..
BUT NO!!! Biglang nagparamdam si loko at para lang awayin ako.
Pak shet siya.. putangina siya... poooootannggeeeennnaaaaahhhh!!!

Hohum.. kaloka si crush talaga...

2005-06-01T10:42:00.000+08:00

Nakakaloka si crush.. nakita ko siya kahapon.. pero ayoko na kasi siyang makita sa totoo lang. Nagkagulo kasi.. sabi niya hindi daw pwedeng maging kami kasi hindi siya pumapatol sa tropa.. Gusto ko nga siyang batukan, eh hindi naman kami magtropa!! Sabi niya nakakahiya din daw sa kapatid ko na barkada niya.. Nirerespeto lang naman daw niya yung kapatid ko. Hindi fair. Hindi pwedeng ganun. Diba pag gusto mo isang tao kahit na may mga hadlang, you work through them? Sa kaniya hindi, eh. Basta hindi pwede. Nung Thursday pa ng gabi yun...
Isang linggo na kong naglalakad-lakad sa village namin, wishing lang na makita ko siya... pero ayokong makita niya ko. Nung isang gabi kasama ko pinsan ko, pagdaan namin sa isang townhouse may mga nakatambay sa labas. May nagsabi nga ng "Hi girls!" Nilingon ko, puta siyet, mga barkada ni crush at andun din siya siyempre.. Natahimik sila nung nakilala ako.
Tapos nung isang gabi bumibili lang ako ng internet card sa kanto, may nagkukumpulan sa may malapit. Sila crush yun. Paano ko nalaman? Kasi narinig ko siya. Dinig na dinig ko boses niya.
Tapos kahapon... bumili lang kami ng mga pinsan ko sa tindahan. Tapos dapat mag-iikot kami. Kaya lang paglakad ko nakita sa bahay na malapit yung isang barkada ni crush... tapos may narinig akong scooter... may nagsabi na sa utak ko, wag ka ng tumuloy sa direksiyon na yun... kaya lang.. TOO LATE! Lumabas sa garahe yung scooter, nakasakay si crush.. Lumingon pa siya sa direksyon ko. Napatigil ako. Nung nakalayo na siya, napaatras ako tapos napabalik kami ng mga pinsan ko..
Kaloka talaga.. Sana hindi ko na lang siya nakita. Bad trip.

Kagagahan ko...

2005-05-24T01:42:00.000+08:00

Ano bang meron sa pag-inom at kung ano-ano ang nangyayari sayo?
Bushet, nagmukha na naman akong gaga nung kagabi dahil linapitan ko yung crush ko at nakipagholding hands ako. Syete, para kong tanga sa ginawa ko. HAH!
Pero wag ka, hindi pumalag si loko, kala mo naman may gusto rin sa'kin. Siyet! Sinasabihan pa kong matulog na raw ako kasi mukhang antok na ko. Sabi ko, "Ayaw! Andito ka pa, eh." Lecheng hirit yan. Ayun, magkakabit kami buong gabi.
Bushet! Ngayon hindi ko tuloy siya maalis sa utak ko. Para na kong nababaliw sa kakaisip tungkol sa kaniya kahit na alam kong wala naman talagang mangyayari sa'min. Tangnang yun.
Nagkita kami kanina, nag-iinuman na naman sila ng mga barkada niya. Nung nakita niya ko, ngumiti sa'kin at kumaway, kala mo naman special friends kami. Hinila ko nung isa kasi nalaman yung nangyari, sabi dun muna daw ako. Tangna, pinatabi pa ko sa crush ko! Bushet, sabi ko, di na uuwi na ko. Walanghiya, ayaw, sumiyat daw muna ko. Sabi ko ayaw, dadating ate ko, uwi na ko. Pagtayo ko, nagpaalam na ko, tangna, kagagahan na naman ang umiral sa'kin. Tinapik ko si crush sa balikat tapos sabi ko, "Uwi na 'ko." Tangna siyempre hiyawan ang mga gago. Sabi lang ni crush, "Sige."
P-U-T-A-N-G-I-N-A!!!!! Hwala, kala mo walang nangyari kagabi. Bushet!! Ang gaga ko talaga!!!

Nakantutchi naman o..

2005-05-04T00:48:00.000+08:00

magtatagalog na ko.
Nakantutchi naman, bakit may mga tao talaga sa buhay na hindi mo naman gustong makita, pero nakikita mo pa rin? Yung kahit anong iwas ang gawin mo, sumusulpot pa rin sa buhay mo. Yung kahit ilang beses mo nang i-wish na mawala na lang sila ay andiyan pa rin, parang buni na kahit anong anti-fungal cream ang ilagay mo, nangangati pa rin.
Yung girlfriend ng barkada mong hindi mo matake... yung girlfriend ng crush mo na minsan andiyan kaya akala mong break na sila pero bigla na lang susulpot... yung dati mong crush na sa totoo lang ay crush mo pa hanggang ngayon kaya tinataguan mo kasi ayaw mong magkacrush sa kaniya ulit...
Bad trip. Wala na bang ibang tao sa mundo kung hindi yung mga gustong guluhin ang buhay mo?

here's the next part of my story

2005-05-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

Here's the next part of "A Kiss Goodbye"

For the next few months, Miguel stayed with Stephanie throughout her treatment. Miguel’s mother, who was his only parent since his father died in a car accident when he was four, wouldn’t let him go with Stephanie to the hospital when she got her chemotherapy. But he was at her house before she left and waiting outside when she came home. He kept her laughing everyday, cracking jokes and telling funny stories. He did it so she wouldn’t have to try so hard to be happy, because through her smiles he could sense her pain and fear.
Stephanie felt as though she was living a lie. She thought her parents were being cruel, making her get treatments even though she never really felt any better. Sometimes at night, when there was no one around, Stephanie would cry and cry, from pain and sadness. It seemed to her that she didn’t have a chance.
The only thing that made everything good for Stephanie was Miguel’s promise. And she never let him forget about it. Almost every day she would say, “Kiss me now, I might die tomorrow.” Miguel would just laugh and tell her to stop being stupid.
“You’re not going to die,” he would say.
“You just don’t want to kiss me because I’m bald and ugly,” she would answer, tearing off the brightly colored scarf that her mother always tied around her head.
“No, I’m not going to kiss you because you’re not going to die tomorrow,” he would reply.
At home he would lie in his bed and stare at the ceiling, praying the day he would have to kiss Stephanie would never come. It was not because he didn’t want to kiss her; on the contrary, he wanted to very much. The baldness was no issue, he still thought she was beautiful. But a childish fear held him back. A kiss before she died was like a kiss goodbye. Miguel didn’t want to tell Stephanie goodbye. He never, ever wanted to tell her goodbye.

After a year of treatment and chemotherapy, Stephanie’s doctor finally gave her family the good news. “The leukemia is under control. Stephanie is in remission.”
They all breathed sighs of relief. Stephanie’s chances had improved. They held a small party, just Stephanie and her family and Miguel and his mother, to celebrate the semi-victory. They all knew remission didn’t mean that Stephanie was cured, but it was a start.
After the party, Miguel and Stephanie went over to the sunset. They hadn’t been there since the day he made his promise. “So,” Stephanie began, as they watched the bright orange sun slip lower. “I might not be dying.”
“I know,” said Miguel, a small smile on his face.
“But don’t you go taking back that promise, mister. I still have a fifty percent chance of dying.”
“But you still have a fifty percent chance of living.”
“You really don’t want to kiss me, do you?”
“Not if I don’t have to.”
Stephanie punched him lightly on the arm with all the strength she could muster, which wasn’t very much. Still, Miguel pretended to wince. “What does it matter anyway?” he said, rubbing his arm slightly. “You’re not going to die.”
“Oh, yeah? How do you know that?”
“Because I won’t let you.”

Six months after Stephanie went into remission, Miguel’s mother announced that they were moving to LA. His uncle, his mother’s cousin, who lived there was going to petition for them to become citizens.
When Miguel asked his mother why they had to go, she answered, “Because we can’t afford to live here anymore. You’re getting older and bigger and so is your school tuition. Do you realize how much we’re going to have to pay for your school next year? When your father died, he didn’t leave us a lot of money, so you should be thankful there are people who care about us and want to help.”
“How? Isn’t it harder to live over there?”
“I told you, you’re Uncle Ernie is going to support us,” she replied. Uncle Ernie was a highly paid plastic surgeon and was therefore very rich. “He’s going to let us live with him and pay for your school. And after you finish high school he can talk to some people and help you get into college on scholarship. Isn’t that nice?”
“WHY?”
“Because we can’t stay here anymore! I haven’t been able to make payments on the house and the bank is taking it back. Besides, it’s time for a change.”
“But what about the people we care about? Are you saying we’re going to leave them?” Miguel asked.
“What does it matter, when practically all of our relatives are in America anyway?” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “And if you’re talking about Stephanie, she doesn’t really need you anymore does she? She’s better now and you need to look after yourself, too. Besides, I’ve always thought that you should not have attached yourself to her so much, Miguel. Never get attached to anything because sooner or later, it’ll be gone.”
Miguel bit back his tongue and left his mother before he could say something disrespectful. He loved his mother and all, but sometimes, she was a pain. But he knew he had no choice.

My "Un-perfect" Life

2005-04-28T13:32:00.000+08:00

My life is nowhere near perfect. Things suck and everything else doesn't make it any better.
This is why I write. When I write, I put myself in it. I am the people in my story. When I write, I make my own life. When I write, things don't have to be perfect, just... better. And different. Mostly better and really different. Just as long as it's not like mine.
Because my life sucks.

I miss him...

2005-04-26T15:26:00.000+08:00

Why is it that everytime I try to think about someone else, he just pops into my head? I mean it doesn't even really matter whether I think about him or not because he does not give a shit about me. He does not even think about me. He cares nothing about me and it is because I am nothing to him....
I'm always there for him and when I'm not... there's a good reason.
He just makes me so mad. The way he walks, the way he talks. The way he smiles at me like there's no problem. Like he isn't hurting me at all.
I guess what makes me so, so mad is that... I know I'm not supposed to be hurting because I already know that this is it. This is how we're meant to be. That this, not being together and him not knowing what I feel... this is our life. And that nothing is ever going to change that. Ever.

I Wrote This

2005-04-19T16:19:00.000+08:00

I wrote this story. It's supposed to be a short story but I think I kinda went a little long. Here's the start.

A Kiss Goodbye

The fifteen-hour flight to Manila seemed to take forever for Miguel. He wanted it to be over so much that he imagined himself opening the plane’s emergency exit and jumping out with a parachute.
“Anak, try and sleep,” his mother told him. “The trip will go faster if you’re not awake to pay attention.” She reached out to touch his hair, but Miguel turned away and stared at the clouds outside his window.
“I’ve already tried to sleep,” he said, quietly. “I can’t.” He silently wished for the nth time that he had left Los Angeles alone. But he was only fifteen, still a minor, and his mother would not have let him go back to the Philippines by himself.
While his mother slept, Miguel tried to keep himself busy to make the flight seem shorter. He tried to read a book he had brought, but he couldn’t make sense out of it. The in-flight movie was one he had wanted to watch when it first came out, but he lost interest ten minutes after the opening credits. He found that staring out the window at the black sky was the only thing that helped him pass the time. That and thinking about Stephanie.
Stephanie was special. She and Miguel had been neighbors and friends ever since either of them could remember. They knew how each other thought, what made each other mad, happy, or sad. They even knew the little things about each other. Stephanie knew that Miguel’s mother wanted to name him after Hans Christian Andersen because she was reading “The Snow Queen” when she suddenly went into labor, but his father said it sounded too foreign so they went for his grandfather's name instead. And Miguel knew that when they were in a fast food place, Stephanie loved to order French fries but would rather go hungry than eat them cold, so she always ate those first. These filled up her stomach so much that she would then only be able to eat half of her hamburger.
They also knew they felt something deeper for each other, but neither one wanted to be the first to say anything. So they stayed in their comfortable state of “best friendship”, each caring for the other more as they grew older.
When they were twelve, they made a pact to be friends forever even when they got old, no matter what happened. Miguel promised to protect Stephanie and keep her safe, and to take her out sometimes and introduce her to friends to keep her from becoming a spinster. Stephanie promised to give Miguel good advice and to keep him from making a fool of himself because of a girl. They had laughed at their oaths then, but now Miguel didn’t think he kept a part of his pact very well. He had tried, but he couldn’t keep her safe.
That same year, Stephanie started to get very sick. She started getting nosebleeds and numerous bruises for no apparent reason. She missed a lot of school days because of high fevers.

It was the most terrible moment of Miguel’s life when Stephanie told him she had leukemia. They were at an old playground they called the “sunset.” Stephanie was the one who thought of the name because they saw that sitting on top of the biggest slide gave them the most breathtaking view of the setting sun. “Actually, even if you’re just sitting by the slide,” Stephanie had said when they named it, “it’s still the most perfect sunset.” And she loved the old playground because of it. She and Miguel had sat there many an afternoon, watching the sun slip behind the far off rooftops, warning them that they should already be heading home.
That afternoon, they didn’t sit on top of the slide; instead they sat on the ground by the broken swings.
Stephanie didn’t want to waste time trying to sugarcoat it. It would only make it harder for both of them. “The doctor called it Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia,” she said, matter-of-factly.
“What does that mean?” asked Miguel.
“My brother and I looked it up. There’s something wrong with my lymphocytes, whatever those are, and they’re infecting my red blood cells. The doctor told us that’s why I’ve been getting bruises; I don’t have enough platelets.”
“Platelets?”
“The doctor said they’re an important part of the blood that helps it work properly. But he said my platelet count was too low.”
“Oh. How’d you get it?”
“It usually happens to people who have a relative who had it.” Stephanie sighed. “Kuya Jay figured that was it. Someone in our family had it.”
“Oh.” Miguel was amazed at how calmly Stephanie was telling him this. The second she told him that about having leukemia, he felt as though the ground had dropped out from under him.
“How are you feeling?” he asked her.
“Okay, I guess, “ she replied. “For someone who’s about to die.” She pulled the grass out of the ground, slightly angry.
“You’re not going to die, Stephanie,” said Miguel. “So you’re sick, big deal. Lots of people get sick all the time. You’re going to get better.”
“Really? And how do you know that, huh? You’re not a doctor.” Stephanie picked up a small stone and threw it at the empty trashcan. The old playground had been abandoned for years; not even the people’s trash had come to visit.
“Maybe I’m not, but I know you’re not going to die.” Miguel looked at her and finally saw the tears he had been expecting running down Stephanie’s face.
“This is leukemia, Migs, not a cold. People have died from this.” Stephanie punched the ground. “You know what else Kuya Jay and I found out? Only fifty percent of the children that have leukemia survive, even after the radiation the doctors put in their body during chemotherapy gets it under control. That’s five kids out of ten, Migs. You’re the math genius, figure it out.” Stephanie put her head in her hands. “I have a fifty percent chance of dying.”
“But you also have a fifty percent chance of surviving,” Miguel reasoned. “Come on, Steph. Don’t think that.”
“Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I want to die? There are so many things I want to do. I want to go to high school, to college. I want to get a job, get married, have kids. These are the things that I want to do.”
“And you will do them, Steph, don’t worry.”
“I want to fall in love and be loved.” She looked up at the sky and whispered, “I’ve never even been kissed. What if I die before my first kiss?”
“You won’t,” Miguel repeated.
“But what if I do? Then I’d miss it,” she said, turning to look into his eyes. “I don’t want to miss my first kiss.”
Miguel reached out and wiped a tear from her right eye. “Tell you what. I promise to kiss you before you die, so you won’t miss your first kiss.”
“Promise?”
“I promise. But you’re not going to die,” he said firmly. “I won’t let you.”

bored to tears...

2005-04-02T09:15:00.000+08:00

I am so freaking bored.. i have nothing to do... hence logging on to write this. lol..
There's no one to talk to coz everyone is away on vacation, and i am stuck at home because i have to. oh, there are perks, such as not having to share the tv, pc, radio and other stuff because my sisters aren't here, but, but, but...
I AM BORED.
I can't stay online all day because i need to keep the phone line open (stupid dial-up) just in case someone calls and it's important. No one to call, coz like i said already, no one's there. There's not always something to watch on tv (stupid cable) it just sucks. I've seen most of the dvd's i have and have no desire to watch the others. i've read all of the books i own, so that sucks too. i can't go out because i hate going out alone.
damn.

Mean mean mean...

2005-04-01T05:56:00.000+08:00

i hate it when people are mean. i mean, who doesn't really?
i guess what i really hate is when people say stuff about your opinion and they just have to say something about it because they disagree with it and they don't even think about how you're going to feel about what they're saying about your opinion. i don't think that's fair, not unless you ask them for it.
random, i know, but this is my post.

Why the heck am i still awake?

2005-03-30T20:13:00.000+08:00

It is 4:07 am, according to the clock on my pc. Why the heck am I still up, writing my very first entry into my blog site? (the clock just flipped to 4:08, by the way.)
truth? i have no idea. it's like, something's just making me do this. i just decided to get a blog site, the reason being, at least i can say anything i like about whatever. i can even put up any stories i write here, and people can read them and tell me what they think, without actually having to face them. but....
is it really worth it? is blogging really for me? will I, like countless others, be happy with this blog site? or will i just cancel the account, as i have done with many an impulsive sign-up to a whatever account?
maybe i'll like it. maybe I won't. who knows? who really cares? i mean, besides me, of course.....
WHY AM I STILL AWAKE?????????
(the clock is now saying 4:13. it is mocking me.)